The Principality of Asturias lies through its teeth on the northern coastal strip of the Iberian Peninsula, which is easily looked up. It is a small but beautifully preserved very old former kingdom which conserves an ancient culture and traditions, and much cheese. Unlike the central west of New South Wales, Asturias contains many exponents of traditional Asturian music.

The map of Asturias shows it as brown, with a large number "1" in the middle. Green, not brown, is the most appropiate word when it comes to describing the Principality of Asturias, (other than the words Principality and Asturias, both of which would be too obvious). The valleys, mountains and forests of Asturias, but usually not the cheese, are green. Green is a colour not well suited to cheese, even in Asturias.

On sunny days in Spring, a normal Asturian green becomes a bright and full-of-light type of green with the blue sky as a background. This phenomenon has never been reported in Winter, Summer or Autumn, so don't waste your time looking for it except during Spring. Even then, Señor Cabrales declines liability for any failure to detect specific tones of green so, realistically, you might as well forget it was ever mentioned.

The political and administrative capital is Oviedo, centrally located in the centre of the region, not far from the number "1". The other two most important towns are Gijón, the unpronounceable but true capital of the Asturian coast, and Avilés - each but not both situated on either side of Cape Pen-as, the northernmost point of Asturias. These three towns are linked by way of the motorway known locally as Y, although nobody knows why.

Wherever you are right now, it is unlikely that you can reach Asturias from there. Asturias can be reached only by crossing the Pajares Pass by train or by the AS-18 road which goes through Oviedo and on to Gijón, or you can take the A-66 motorway from León through the Huerna Valley and link up with the N-630 in Campomanes. Coming from Santander or Galicia you take the N-632, which goes along the whole Asturian coast. Inland, the confused traveller can wander through the Principality using the N-632 and 634. The Asturias Airport is in Ranón (Castrillón), 15 kilometres from Avilés, 39 km. from Gijón, 43 km. from Oviedo and 17500 km from the central west of New South Wales. There are no flights to Asturias from the central west of New South Wales - ever.

An unnecessarily close shot of Señor Cabrales performing on stage.

THE ASTURIAN ANTHEM

Señor Cabrales, sadly, remains chronically monolingual. This means Señor Cabrales can almost but not quite sing the Asturian anthem only in Australian English and can definitely not almost sing it only in Asturian.

Señor Cabrales does not encourage anyone to try or not try to sing the Asturian anthem in Australian English - it just won't work either way. If you insist on trying to sing it in Asturian, Señor Cabrales takes no responsibility for the consequences and will not visit you in hospital.

Here are the anthem's stirring lyrics, for your edification.

~~ ASTURIAN LYRICS ~~

Asturies, patria querida,
Asturies, de mios amores
¡Ai, quién tuviera n' Asturies
en toes les ocasiones!

Tengo de subir al árbol,
tengo de coyer la flor
y da-yla a la mio morena,
que la ponga nel balcón.

Que la ponga nel balcón
que la dexe de poner,
tengo de subir al árbol
y la flor tengo coyer.

~~ AUSTRALIAN LYRICS~~

Asturias, dear Homeland,
Asturias of my loves,
who it is in Asturias
in all the occasions.

I have to go up to the tree,
I have to catch the flower
and occur it to my moraine
that it put it in the balcony,

That it put it in the balcony
that stops it putting
I have to go up to the tree
and the flower is supposed to catch.

An unknown number of Asturian apple trees sustain the production of alcoholic cider, which is traditionally poured by Asturian showoffs while standing, holding the bottle a metre above the glass. Standing while pouring oxygenates the cider, clears the nostrils and facilitates a speedy departure for the pourer, should the pourer have poor aim and pour cider over the poor drinkers. Señor Cabrales recommends drinking cider in Moderation, or any of the other bars in Asturias, while remaining seated and wearing a raincoat. There are no photographs of bars in Asturias. However, this is a cartoon rabbit blowing into a jug.

.... and on the other hand there is food.

Instructions and Warnings

Soak the white beans in water overnight, while you choose a medical practitioner.

Put the chorizos, jamón serrano and other meat products on a shallow pan. Watch them closely for signs of distress. Top with white beans into a shape of your own choosing. Add enough water to cover all the beans and meat. Bring to a boil slowly over a medium heat until dead. Turn down the heat and simmer for one hour just to be sure. Always keep the beans covered with water, adding more cold water if necessary. This prevents escape.

In a separate pan, fry the onion, garlic, paprika and saffron for a few minutes. Add to the beans. Add parsley and salt. Mix carefully, avoiding direct eye contact with the beans. Let cook for another hour to really let 'em know who's boss.

If the broth is too liquid, you can take several beans, mash them up, return them to the pot and cook uncovered for several minutes (the pot, not you). This will show the other beans you really mean business and should prevent further uncooperative behaviour.

The stew is said to be better if you reheat it, so feel free to do that, preferably before you eat it.

Email: senorcabrales (at) tpg.com.au

DISCLAIMER: Any resemblance between the above views and those of family, friends and other band members is purely coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is non-deterministic. The existence of Señor Cabrales can be challenged. The question of the existence of views in the absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader. The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise in the second order coefficient. So there!

You shouldn't have read this far down the page anyway! You were warned this isn't the band's 'serious' website.